Sunday, March 20, 2011

Strength through Adversity?....

    What makes some people triumph and some people crumble? I have noticed that some people seem to excel in life, despite all odds, while others seem to struggle even though they appear to have been blessed with every opportunity.
   It is always fun to hear uplifting stories of rising fortunes. Everyone studies hard; works hard; takes chances;  risks some capital; watches dreams grow, and sometimes fizzle....  All trying, in their way, to be "successful." But how do people who had "everything", lose it, or end up as unmotivated and weak as people who never achieved anything. These are the perplexing stories. What factors in glittering lives ended up stifling their success?
   What makes you happy? I think it might be wanting things, having desire to advance, and having people around you who truly support you. If you've had luck and success, the trick after achieving your goals is to maintain the same work ethic it took to get where you are, and to stay humble. Accept new challenges so you'll never be lazy like so many successful people. Think of all the "successful" people you see who  feel they have the right to boss people around or behave poorly. Maybe they feel empowered by their success, or, unworthy of sycophantic attention. These people often make poor parents because they are so accustomed to self-indulgences that they cannot take the time or make the sacrifices necessary to be good role models. Sometimes these people have just worked so hard for so long that they do not remember how to be in balance and be "there" for a child..... These people can have bad marriages because they forget the simple joys of  life. (Tiger Woods)

   Inner-strength and inner-integrity (which encompass confidence, tenacity, EQ, and humility - earlier posts!) not only get you to your goal, but keep you stable afterwards.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

"Complicated" People

   We all know people in our families who are "complicated" - people who have highs and lows, or require more maintenance than everyone else. Sometimes these people bring  joy and elation and sometimes they bring concern and fear. The problem is that this type of personality wreaks havoc on the world by their inability to tone down their strong reactions to things.
   The definition of "complicated" varies from case to case. My favorite person in the Whole World was my grandfather (who was probably manic-depressive). My experience with him was always positive. He was always exciting. Nothing was ever routine around him and I loved that. His world was more  imaginative than the regular world, but I never saw his mean side. Many years later I learned that he was a cruel husband and over-bearing father, and that his biting criticism left generations of insecurity and rivalry. My Mother-in-law was mentally and physically abused by her father and her subsequent instability and poor life-decisions caused generations of difficulties - some of her children faired better than others. My mother's alcoholic parents only had one child and they delegated childrearing responsibilities to nannies, which resulted in a difficult life for my Mom.
   All of these people were "complicated" and left confusion in their wake.  But someone, in turn, had done something to them.
   I bet that everyone can tell a variation of these stories because everyone's life has been affected by "complicated" people's lives. Life does not protect any of us from the possibility that mental-illness or alcoholism or some reaction to hardship will strike. It is virtually impossible to avoid. I have not met one person who cannot tell you about a sad and shocking reality that really exists where paint tries to cover some crack somewhere in their family tree, their neighborhood, their work-place...
   We will all be affected by parents, spouses, bosses, cops, coaches, or friends who are still trying to smooth jangled nerves. How do some of us thrive and some crumble when exposed to the same unpredictable and shifting foundations? Having the innate qualities, or developing the skills needed to deal with these fragile and "complicated" people is an important tool for getting through life!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Serene

   Some people are naturally even-tempered. They have an internal ballast. When the seas of life get rough they go straight ahead.  There's no tension, they stay even-keeled, sailing bright and steady on that tranquil sea.
   Why do some people have that calmness? Stormy situations can be threatening, frightening and uncertain. Most people react poorly when upset, or challenged, but some people keep their composure.  Some people I know instinctively defer their own desires long enough to process rational thought, and don't get caught up in endless cycles of negativity. Calm, peaceful, tranquil, and always fair - they are peace-makers who help others smooth out bumps in the road. They do not look for "who is right" and "who is wrong," they're just there for others when times are hard. They will not tell you "how" to fix something, or "who" to call. They are the definition of serene. Their friends know that they can tell them anything, and they will never be judged.
  I have three friends like that! They are some of the greatest gifts in my life.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

A little savant in every one of us....

   It has been said that there is a little savant in every one of us. This struck me as a particularly encouraging statement. It hit a chord because I have always felt a little special - a little odd. I am creative, optimistic, energetic, even a little manic.... definitely not suited to quiet tasks. My accomplishments come in big bursts. I have never stayed with one thing long enough to be exceptionally good at any one thing. I am scattered all over the map. I am proficient at so many things, but master of no one thing. At least I am always happy and pleasant.
  So I listened intently when a Science Journalist named Joshua Foer told about how he went from a man with "average" abilities to winning the U.S. Memory Championship! He spent one year trying to train his memory, and also trying to understand its inner-workings, its natural deficiencies, and its hidden potential. He said he ended up learning some secrets to memorization, and also learning the best way to become highly intelligent. For him it all came down to practicing using memory and using different visualization tricks to imprint memories in his mind. Still, this required practice, and practice required focus and repetition of minutia....this seemed unencouraging to me. And when I sat down and tried to work on the mnemonics puzzles that were required I literally wanted to jump out of my seat.
   Another theory proposed by Darold Treffert theorizes that everyone has some savant talents "localized in lower regions under the cerebral cortex, but they are repressed by the  "higher" processes." He calls this the "small Rainman" that we all have in our brain. Some people with dementia develop savant-like characteristics. The explosion of creativity in these patients is accompanied by a loss of language and social skills, but causes improvements in mathematics and calendar calculation processes! Obviously that is not the kind of solution I am seeking.
   As I read further into Treffert's work I finally found the savant in ME! Treffert said "savants have privileged access to lower-level, less-processed information, before it is packaged into holistic concepts and meaningful labels. Due to a failure in top-down ihibition, they can tap into information that exists in all of our brains, but that is normally beyond conscious awareness... Savant skills can emerge without training, and they're not qualitatively improved by practice. In fact, savants generally don't have insight into how they perform their skill." THIS must be me!... I function the best on impulse with a highly creative spark!
   In life it is important to truly understand one's strengths and weaknesses and improve those weaknesses. I will keep reading about memory and how the mind works!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Happiness....

   Life is too amazing to waste on bad experiences. I'm not talking about dedicating long, hard days toward a worthy goal - that is not a waste. But spending days, followed by months, and even years just moving ahead without purpose, is a waste! And staying involved with people and activities that are negative or stagnating, wastes whole blocks of life! Always remember to retain your unique voice and feel free to express it.
   Knowing "yourself" is about living authentically. As a child you may have been encouraged to conform or face the consequences! Most people conform... and lose themselves in the process. Living authentically is being able to express honest thoughts, feelings, and opinions without condemning or judging others, and it's difficult. It's hard to be your own advocate.
   Truly finding your own voice is hard because it is hard to let go of expectations from your parents, family, supervisors, professors, etc of your formative years.  For good reasons, people are encouraged to color between the lines and fit in but they're not always encouraged to listen to their inner voices. This is a journey full of failures and successes that is never "done" because we are always growing and changing - and so are the people around us.

Questions to Ponder When You're Increasing Your Self-Awareness:
What makes your heart leap or your soul resonate?
When do you feel most happy and relaxed?



Living Authentically Involves Negative Feelings
When - and with whom - do you feel depressed, sad, or drained? Finding your identity involves avoiding those situations.
When do you feel physically ill or unhealthy? Authentic living means figuring that out, and avoiding those situations.
What meetings, visits, or events do you consistently find yourself dragging yourself to? Increasing your self-awareness is about limiting or eliminating those things.

   No life can be fulfilling without exposure to toil and stress. While life's goal is happiness and reward, it would never feel earned or appreciated without the struggle to attain it. But if your daily efforts are never met with praise or recognition, you have to ask yourself if you are in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people! The University of Pennsylvania Authentic Happiness Study reported in a 2011 survey that the average American was happy 54% of the day, unhappy 20% of the day, and neutral 26% of that time. What percent of the day are you usually happy?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Quarter-Life Crisis

The following paragraph was written by a journalist by the name of Brenda Della Casa, who writes articles for publications such as Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Redbook and writes a great blog called Walking Barefoot. Her greatest insights have been about the uncertainty of life and love during the "quarter-life crisis." (The years between 20 and 30 - definitely a period of change and effort for everyone).

 ..."You stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now... Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe  you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We  are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out..."

Life experiences often bring positive change and can offer new perspectives, hence Nietzsche's words of wisdom: "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." Navigating the minefields of life is always going to be hard, so getting through your "quarter-life crisis" is good training for the rest. I would say having confidence and self-esteem is the basic ingredient for forging through. When you're comfortable in your own skin and you don't feel out of place - even in times of struggle - you can be confident enough to  write your own ending to a chapter.