Identity, Importance, Connection -

  Last week two separate events were spinning around my life which were very troubling and severe to the people that they affected. Though they were two totally different scenarios, they both could be boiled down to the same fundamental human needs: identity, importance and connection. That is probably why they were so poigniant.
  At a High School Boarding school, where 800 kids live together 8 months of the year, tension escalated over the expulsion of a PG student for being caught drinking with a friend in his room late on a Thursday night. The teenagers who were good friends with the "PG" believed that the same hallmate they had had many previous conflicts with before was the person who had alerted the teachers to the fact that the kids had been drinking in their room, so one night when they were sitting around bemoaning the loss of their friend and the strictness of the administration, one kid impulsively got up, went out, and smeared some splotches of red face paint on the "snitch's" door.
  The next day the boy accused of snitching went to the Administration asking to withdraw from the school, the Administration began a hunt for the "door-painter", and powerful social tensions began at the school.
  Because the door-painter would not come forward for a long time, the school began removing all student privilages, rightly knowing that, especially at this age, there is no greater force than social force to get kid's attention. As each one was removed (tv.usage, curfews, Spring Formal cancellation, etc.), students from other halls and other dorms began to turn on any friends who might be associated with the witless boy who painted the other kid's door.
  The faculty could not believe that the kids who did know who the door-painter was would not rat out their friend and became enraged by what they perceived to be a lack of respect for authority. The greater part of the school now, turned almost as viciously upon that group of teenage boys, as the one boy had originally turned on the other on that first night..... A Catcher in the Rye Moment?....
  After a week of this pressure the 10 friends convinced the offender to admit his own guilt whereupon he was kicked out of the school. The contentious hallmate (who does not admit to "snitching" in the first place) remains at the school. And the Administration is now dealing with questions  about why a similar group of boys in the Fall did not receive scrutiny after girls had complained about a harassment issue then.
 But questions have been raised to these youngsters about what is more important at their age: meeting life's goals, work, fun, impulsivity, loyalty, identity, connection, respect.... In what order, and to what degree! They are all necessary. And what is the power of connection. Even though they banded together not to denigrate their friend of character (who admitted acting badly), the power of an even larger community really affected their decisions.
  Next story tomorrow.

Gentle-Happy Spirits....

  Last night President Obama gave a great speech called the Tucson Memorial Speech. In his speech he called for all U.S. citizens to honor the Congresswoman, two federal employees, three civilians, and a little girl recently shot by a random shooter by "trying to be a better people... better friends, and parents and neighbors.... (to try to embody) the same gentle and happy spirit which (the little girl) Christina Taylor-Green possessed."
  This was the President's way of trying to move up and out of another trough of fear that gripped our nation last week as the result of another multiple execution of innocent people by one random mentally-ill person. As much as I really admired the President's attempt to unite the country with good-will, I think he should also seize this time to  DO something about it.
  Immediately ensuing the atrocity, of course, people always want to know how this can happen. The obvious questions are: "Was this person sane?" "How did he obtain a gun?" And, "Why didn't anyone help this person before he literally went ballistic?"
  Since this shooter focused on a political rally, questions also centered around the current heated political rhetoric as being too provocative for unbalanced minds - but there are two obvious common threads sitting right at the surface in every excuse for a rampage. One shooter's excuse was: "I was angry at the political system." One's was: "I felt disenfranchised at school." Another's was: "My company wasn't helping me find a job".... The two inescapable constants in EVERY example were that deeply disturbed people, displaying 'abnormal behavior' and hostility got their hands on guns.
   President Obama thinks that if we were better friends, parents and neighbors we would be able to support these people, but their own families have a very hard time steering children or siblings with psychosis toward help. Can being kinder or more attentive handle the severely complicated needs of a person that would kill? It is insulting to the good people who lived "kindly" around the horribly unstable individuals before they ultimately killed them to keep asking for more kindness! I agree that it is a curse for individuals and their families to have to struggle with the ravages of severe mental illness, but I also believe that it would help those families more to be given rapid identification of their illness so that they can get long-term treatment and proper follow-up. Sometimes this requires more "tough love" than gentleness.
   I would argue that not only did our nation loose beautiful Christina Taylor-Green on January 8, but it lost an entire generation of "Gentle, Happy Spirits" since the Columbine Massacre, because of fear. Kids who were born in 1987 have heard about "disenfranchised" kids, and mentally unstable people, committing multiple murders at schools EVERY year from their first year in Junior High - all the way through until their last year of College. (Sometimes two or three times in one year!). Many kids go to school every day now fearing that the oddly-behaving, aggressive child next to him in school could come in the next day with a gun aimed at him, and the school is nervous too. One person with a gun can take out 30 innocent people in a few minutes (Virginia Tech). In our kid's lifetimes they have seen it happen too many times - and with apparently nothing anyone cares enough to do to fix it. (33 school shootings in the U.S. alone since 1999)* This removes our youth's sense of security and happiness from their childhood days. It is imperative that our legislators finally enact serious gun laws as a result of this last mass shooting. We need laws which would require, from state to state, consistent screening of the people who ask for the right to buy a gun. The Senate and the House should pass the amendment banning the sale of assault weapons, and we need stricter penalties placed on people who do not keep their guns out of the hands of others.
   If we had better mental health guidelines and treatment options for people, and, stricter gun laws, we WOULD all feel gentler and happier. These are two concrete things we can do right now to heal this generation and make our country better and to truly honor those that lost their lives in Tucson last Saturday.


*infoplease.com

Efficiency

.... Efficiency can refer to the best use of time, the best use of space, the best use of energy, of economy, etc. Efficiency yields effectiveness....  You cannot be very productive if you are not efficient.
  Someone once said "avoid fragmentation, find your focus and seek simplicity. Purposeful living calls for elegant efficiency and economy of effort!"* This suggests that choosing only a few tasks and repeating them more frequently is the way to be the most productive.
  What if one's life is full of daily minutia that has to be "efficiently" organized!
  I guess my word for tomorrow will be ORGANIZATION!......

My Current Focuses:
Hospital - 3 Jobs
Writing the book about NJ
Focus on Kids
Household maintenance
Time with Husband
Physical and Mental Health
Time with Friends
Current Events
Library Foundation
Photography
Piano


*Dan Millman

Tenacity!

  As much as I was raised in a positive environment and did develop a high EQ, one quality I don't possess enough of is TENACITY! Synonyms of tenacity are: diligence, application, perseverance, persistence, resoluteness, resolve, steadfastness, grit, heart, fortitude, moxie, spunk!...
  It seems like if you could take a person with reasonable talents, strong EQ, and add TENACITY, that person would be super equipped to deal with anything life has to throw at them!
  Tenacity seems to be as elusive a thing to hold on to as the last 5 lbs. of fat on a Spring diet. Constant industriousness requires so much energy and discipline! The word "motivation" is defined as the forces that account for the arousal, selection, direction, and continuation of behavior. I guess if we were properly motivated we would be tenacious enough to do anything!... If a train was coming down the tracks and we had to move a car stuck on the tracks, we wouldn't hesitate to do it if it meant staying alive... If a person was seriously dissatisfied with their life situation they might be propelled in a similar way to fix or change their condition.
  The trick is to be able to tap into some level of that tenacity and motivation even on a regular day when no one but yourself is requiring anything of you!

E.Q.

  It seems to me that the ultimate motivators in life are positive things like enthusiasm, energy, vision, etc. That is not to say that goals can always be achieved without negative stingers like deadlines, and complaints. But what I have been thinking today is that people seem so much more ahead of the game if they possess a generally positive demeanor - or - a high EQ.
  Studies have proven over and over again how bad it is to be negative. In an article by Robin Stern, Ph.D.from Columbia University, the author says, "What skill is the best predictor of life success? Why is it that some children grow up to be fulfilled adults in challenging careers and satisfying relationships, while others from apparently similar backgrounds and academic performance, struggle in relationships, dead-end careers and depressions?... Studies show that EQ (Emotional Intelligence) is the best predictor of a child's future achievement; better than any other single factor. In fact, EQ is a better predictor of success than IQ and technical skills combined."

What is EQ? The author defined EQ as basically 5 different things:
1) Mood management: The ability to handle and manage difficult feelings; control impulses and handle anger constructively! Staying even-keeled.
2) Self Awareness: The ability to understand and identify feelings. Also, being able to understand how your own actions affect others.
3) Empathy: Showing people that you care about them.
4) Self-Motivation: Setting goals and persevering toward them with optimism and hope, even in the face of set-backs.
5) Strong Relationships: Keeping friends, collaborating, cooperating.

  These seem like easy things to some people, but come easier to some than to others. To some extent they can be innate qualities but can also be instilled from years of satisfactory and productive experiences in the world of school, families, work and marriage. The good news is that social and emotional skills can be learned and enhanced at any age.*
  Who knew that having a generally positive demeanor was more than half the battle in life?
  Howard Gardner, a developmental psychologist from Harvard, developed the Theory of Multiple Intelligences in 1983. He listed 7 different types of intelligences that he said the brain was capable of. They are: Linguistic, Logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinestetic, musical, interpersonal, and intrapersonal. He also stated that the greatest predictor for success was not possessing mathematical or logical intelligence, but, was possessing high interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence.
  Neuroticism is the opposite of Emotional Intelligence. Neuroticism is described as a tendency to act on feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, guilt or depression. Not optimistic sentiments.
  In an article in the December, 2010 issue of the Economist called The U-Bend of life, the author asked, "what makes people successful?" His conclusion was "....Two personality traits shine through..neuroticism and extroversion. Neurotic people are not just prone to negative feelings, they also have low emotional intelligence... Whereas neuroticism tends to make for gloomy types, extroversion does the opposite. Those who like working in teams and who relish parties tend to be happier than those who shut their office doors or hole up in their homes."
  According to Gardner, every person is born with some intelligence of value to society. All we need to do is tap in to our most positive interpersonal and intrapersonal skills to be the most successful we can be.

*Robin Stern - Columbia University

Opportunity!

Orison Swett Marden was a writer in the early 1900's who was also strongly influenced by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and believed that our thoughts strongly influence our lives and our circumstances. He wrote books called Success Under Difficulties, Architects of Fate, Do it to a Finish, and The Hour of Opportunity. Just the titles sound exciting!
Marden met with many hardships throughout his life and he wrote these books as he neared the age of 50.
When Mr. Marden was three his mother died. When he was seven his father died and that left him shuttled amongst the care of various uncaring guardians. He worked as a hired boy to earn his keep and never lived in one place for very long. Still he managed to persevere and gained admission to and payed his own way through Boston University. After that he attended Harvard and graduated with an M.D. in 1881. Marden supported himself during his college years by working in hotels, and eventually came to own many hotels and a resort. He was successful in the hotel industry for ten years until, at the age of 43, his fortune reversed and he had to resort to new ways to support himself. He then began writing and became world-famous for his many published books.
Marden is known for his numerous inspirational quotes like: "A will finds a way," and "All men who have achieved great things have been great dreamers," and "Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities, seize common occasions and make them great!"
How is it that some individuals who have been set upon the path of life with so little inspiration carry on with steadfast strength and conviction? While there are others (nurtured and protected their whole lives) who can hardly come up with the imagination to seize opportunities that lay all around them! What is the difference between these people?
May we always know the common occasions for what they really
are.....and have the courage and conviction to follow through on the opportunities!