Pretend you have a mirror you can look at once in awhile to see how others see you. I have come to the realization that a lot of people would change the way they acted if they could see themselves in the mirror....
While eating dinner in a diner the other night I had a view of the entire room. In that room was a wide variety of people. No one thinks they are being noticed as they relax over dinner with their friends or family. But I noticed the looks and habits of all the people sitting around me. I noticed that the couple at the table next-door was annoyed by the loud group of teenagers next to them. The teenagers were perky, cute, athletes obviously having a team dinner together all in neatly matching warm-up suits. The couple across from us was a father and daughter. The father was slouching and had on a dirty sweatshirt from work, and the daughter was disheveled and slouching. The father's cell phone rang, so he answered it during dinner and had a conversation, while the daughter bent down over her soup and slurped it absentmindedly. Across the other way the hostess lead a young boy and a distinguished lady in wheel-chair through to a table. The young boy then helped the older lady into her chair. The older lady and her presumed grandson had a very nice dinner together engaged in conversation the whole time. I saw families and couples of various shapes and forms and didn't really remember things about them....
The funny thing was, that, as my husband and I were leaving the diner, the old woman in the wheelchair stopped me and said, "What kind of sandwich was that you were eating? It looked so good." I told her and we spoke for a minute before I left. She was very nice. But afterwards I realized that as much as I notice other people - they are noticing me! And so it is in the world. It is safe to assume that everywhere you go, people are observing the presentation you make by your everyday habits. So, check yourself in the mirror every once in awhile to see what others see!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Smiles
I found this on a blog called Ikini's Blog, written in 2007. I thought it was so pretty that I am re-posting it. I'm not sure they are words to actually live by, but, they are definitely words to consider!
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Role Models:
Try to think of the perfect role model, either for your own life or for your kids. Who would that be?... Would you choose a celebrity? (Doubtful - even if they are great singers or athletes, their lives are frought with drama) Would you choose a great leader? (Doubtful because we have come to realize that great leaders have burdensome egos.) Would you choose some fantastic intellectual? Maybe... A super-successful businessperson? A pioneer in their field?...
Or would you choose a regular person who lives a regular life and never fails to disappoint you? A person who never tries to be the star and never asked for any recognition because they do what they do just because they like it. They are just a reliable constant.
I think that is my ultimate choice for a good role model.
I'm glad that all the big shining stars exist, but I would not want to be married to one, or to be their child.... To me their contributions are beautiful sacrifices!
Or would you choose a regular person who lives a regular life and never fails to disappoint you? A person who never tries to be the star and never asked for any recognition because they do what they do just because they like it. They are just a reliable constant.
I think that is my ultimate choice for a good role model.
I'm glad that all the big shining stars exist, but I would not want to be married to one, or to be their child.... To me their contributions are beautiful sacrifices!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Feeling Powerless
This is the feeling to avoid - the feeling that creates the most fear, anger, and insecurity in people. Even children and animals react to feelings of being lost.... All adults need to feel useful and have a sense of direction in their life. They need to know how their lives make a difference. If they don't know this, it will cause some damage.
I've known people who over-compensated for lack of control by being obsessively-compulsively organized, others who became neurotic, some who became controlling or angry, or some who gave up and went through life without accomplishing anything.
Teens learning to be adults, adults in difficult stages of life (job changes, kids moving on, divorces, growing old, sickness) These stages can leave one suddenly powerless. People need to be reminded how they are important, or fear, anger or paralysis can hurt even more.
I've known people who over-compensated for lack of control by being obsessively-compulsively organized, others who became neurotic, some who became controlling or angry, or some who gave up and went through life without accomplishing anything.
Teens learning to be adults, adults in difficult stages of life (job changes, kids moving on, divorces, growing old, sickness) These stages can leave one suddenly powerless. People need to be reminded how they are important, or fear, anger or paralysis can hurt even more.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Strength through Adversity?....
It is always fun to hear uplifting stories of rising fortunes. Everyone studies hard; works hard; takes chances; risks some capital; watches dreams grow, and sometimes fizzle.... All trying, in their way, to be "successful." But how do people who had "everything", lose it, or end up as unmotivated and weak as people who never achieved anything. These are the perplexing stories. What factors in glittering lives ended up stifling their success?
What makes you happy? I think it might be wanting things, having desire to advance, and having people around you who truly support you. If you've had luck and success, the trick after achieving your goals is to maintain the same work ethic it took to get where you are, and to stay humble. Accept new challenges so you'll never be lazy like so many successful people. Think of all the "successful" people you see who feel they have the right to boss people around or behave poorly. Maybe they feel empowered by their success, or, unworthy of sycophantic attention. These people often make poor parents because they are so accustomed to self-indulgences that they cannot take the time or make the sacrifices necessary to be good role models. Sometimes these people have just worked so hard for so long that they do not remember how to be in balance and be "there" for a child..... These people can have bad marriages because they forget the simple joys of life. (Tiger Woods)
Inner-strength and inner-integrity (which encompass confidence, tenacity, EQ, and humility - earlier posts!) not only get you to your goal, but keep you stable afterwards.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
"Complicated" People
We all know people in our families who are "complicated" - people who have highs and lows, or require more maintenance than everyone else. Sometimes these people bring joy and elation and sometimes they bring concern and fear. The problem is that this type of personality wreaks havoc on the world by their inability to tone down their strong reactions to things.
The definition of "complicated" varies from case to case. My favorite person in the Whole World was my grandfather (who was probably manic-depressive). My experience with him was always positive. He was always exciting. Nothing was ever routine around him and I loved that. His world was more imaginative than the regular world, but I never saw his mean side. Many years later I learned that he was a cruel husband and over-bearing father, and that his biting criticism left generations of insecurity and rivalry. My Mother-in-law was mentally and physically abused by her father and her subsequent instability and poor life-decisions caused generations of difficulties - some of her children faired better than others. My mother's alcoholic parents only had one child and they delegated childrearing responsibilities to nannies, which resulted in a difficult life for my Mom.
All of these people were "complicated" and left confusion in their wake. But someone, in turn, had done something to them.
I bet that everyone can tell a variation of these stories because everyone's life has been affected by "complicated" people's lives. Life does not protect any of us from the possibility that mental-illness or alcoholism or some reaction to hardship will strike. It is virtually impossible to avoid. I have not met one person who cannot tell you about a sad and shocking reality that really exists where paint tries to cover some crack somewhere in their family tree, their neighborhood, their work-place...
We will all be affected by parents, spouses, bosses, cops, coaches, or friends who are still trying to smooth jangled nerves. How do some of us thrive and some crumble when exposed to the same unpredictable and shifting foundations? Having the innate qualities, or developing the skills needed to deal with these fragile and "complicated" people is an important tool for getting through life!
The definition of "complicated" varies from case to case. My favorite person in the Whole World was my grandfather (who was probably manic-depressive). My experience with him was always positive. He was always exciting. Nothing was ever routine around him and I loved that. His world was more imaginative than the regular world, but I never saw his mean side. Many years later I learned that he was a cruel husband and over-bearing father, and that his biting criticism left generations of insecurity and rivalry. My Mother-in-law was mentally and physically abused by her father and her subsequent instability and poor life-decisions caused generations of difficulties - some of her children faired better than others. My mother's alcoholic parents only had one child and they delegated childrearing responsibilities to nannies, which resulted in a difficult life for my Mom.
All of these people were "complicated" and left confusion in their wake. But someone, in turn, had done something to them.
I bet that everyone can tell a variation of these stories because everyone's life has been affected by "complicated" people's lives. Life does not protect any of us from the possibility that mental-illness or alcoholism or some reaction to hardship will strike. It is virtually impossible to avoid. I have not met one person who cannot tell you about a sad and shocking reality that really exists where paint tries to cover some crack somewhere in their family tree, their neighborhood, their work-place...
We will all be affected by parents, spouses, bosses, cops, coaches, or friends who are still trying to smooth jangled nerves. How do some of us thrive and some crumble when exposed to the same unpredictable and shifting foundations? Having the innate qualities, or developing the skills needed to deal with these fragile and "complicated" people is an important tool for getting through life!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Serene
Some people are naturally even-tempered. They have an internal ballast. When the seas of life get rough they go straight ahead. There's no tension, they stay even-keeled, sailing bright and steady on that tranquil sea.
Why do some people have that calmness? Stormy situations can be threatening, frightening and uncertain. Most people react poorly when upset, or challenged, but some people keep their composure. Some people I know instinctively defer their own desires long enough to process rational thought, and don't get caught up in endless cycles of negativity. Calm, peaceful, tranquil, and always fair - they are peace-makers who help others smooth out bumps in the road. They do not look for "who is right" and "who is wrong," they're just there for others when times are hard. They will not tell you "how" to fix something, or "who" to call. They are the definition of serene. Their friends know that they can tell them anything, and they will never be judged.
I have three friends like that! They are some of the greatest gifts in my life.
Why do some people have that calmness? Stormy situations can be threatening, frightening and uncertain. Most people react poorly when upset, or challenged, but some people keep their composure. Some people I know instinctively defer their own desires long enough to process rational thought, and don't get caught up in endless cycles of negativity. Calm, peaceful, tranquil, and always fair - they are peace-makers who help others smooth out bumps in the road. They do not look for "who is right" and "who is wrong," they're just there for others when times are hard. They will not tell you "how" to fix something, or "who" to call. They are the definition of serene. Their friends know that they can tell them anything, and they will never be judged.
I have three friends like that! They are some of the greatest gifts in my life.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A little savant in every one of us....
It has been said that there is a little savant in every one of us. This struck me as a particularly encouraging statement. It hit a chord because I have always felt a little special - a little odd. I am creative, optimistic, energetic, even a little manic.... definitely not suited to quiet tasks. My accomplishments come in big bursts. I have never stayed with one thing long enough to be exceptionally good at any one thing. I am scattered all over the map. I am proficient at so many things, but master of no one thing. At least I am always happy and pleasant.
So I listened intently when a Science Journalist named Joshua Foer told about how he went from a man with "average" abilities to winning the U.S. Memory Championship! He spent one year trying to train his memory, and also trying to understand its inner-workings, its natural deficiencies, and its hidden potential. He said he ended up learning some secrets to memorization, and also learning the best way to become highly intelligent. For him it all came down to practicing using memory and using different visualization tricks to imprint memories in his mind. Still, this required practice, and practice required focus and repetition of minutia....this seemed unencouraging to me. And when I sat down and tried to work on the mnemonics puzzles that were required I literally wanted to jump out of my seat.
Another theory proposed by Darold Treffert theorizes that everyone has some savant talents "localized in lower regions under the cerebral cortex, but they are repressed by the "higher" processes." He calls this the "small Rainman" that we all have in our brain. Some people with dementia develop savant-like characteristics. The explosion of creativity in these patients is accompanied by a loss of language and social skills, but causes improvements in mathematics and calendar calculation processes! Obviously that is not the kind of solution I am seeking.
As I read further into Treffert's work I finally found the savant in ME! Treffert said "savants have privileged access to lower-level, less-processed information, before it is packaged into holistic concepts and meaningful labels. Due to a failure in top-down ihibition, they can tap into information that exists in all of our brains, but that is normally beyond conscious awareness... Savant skills can emerge without training, and they're not qualitatively improved by practice. In fact, savants generally don't have insight into how they perform their skill." THIS must be me!... I function the best on impulse with a highly creative spark!
In life it is important to truly understand one's strengths and weaknesses and improve those weaknesses. I will keep reading about memory and how the mind works!
So I listened intently when a Science Journalist named Joshua Foer told about how he went from a man with "average" abilities to winning the U.S. Memory Championship! He spent one year trying to train his memory, and also trying to understand its inner-workings, its natural deficiencies, and its hidden potential. He said he ended up learning some secrets to memorization, and also learning the best way to become highly intelligent. For him it all came down to practicing using memory and using different visualization tricks to imprint memories in his mind. Still, this required practice, and practice required focus and repetition of minutia....this seemed unencouraging to me. And when I sat down and tried to work on the mnemonics puzzles that were required I literally wanted to jump out of my seat.
Another theory proposed by Darold Treffert theorizes that everyone has some savant talents "localized in lower regions under the cerebral cortex, but they are repressed by the "higher" processes." He calls this the "small Rainman" that we all have in our brain. Some people with dementia develop savant-like characteristics. The explosion of creativity in these patients is accompanied by a loss of language and social skills, but causes improvements in mathematics and calendar calculation processes! Obviously that is not the kind of solution I am seeking.
As I read further into Treffert's work I finally found the savant in ME! Treffert said "savants have privileged access to lower-level, less-processed information, before it is packaged into holistic concepts and meaningful labels. Due to a failure in top-down ihibition, they can tap into information that exists in all of our brains, but that is normally beyond conscious awareness... Savant skills can emerge without training, and they're not qualitatively improved by practice. In fact, savants generally don't have insight into how they perform their skill." THIS must be me!... I function the best on impulse with a highly creative spark!
In life it is important to truly understand one's strengths and weaknesses and improve those weaknesses. I will keep reading about memory and how the mind works!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Happiness....
Life is too amazing to waste on bad experiences. I'm not talking about dedicating long, hard days toward a worthy goal - that is not a waste. But spending days, followed by months, and even years just moving ahead without purpose, is a waste! And staying involved with people and activities that are negative or stagnating, wastes whole blocks of life! Always remember to retain your unique voice and feel free to express it.
Knowing "yourself" is about living authentically. As a child you may have been encouraged to conform or face the consequences! Most people conform... and lose themselves in the process. Living authentically is being able to express honest thoughts, feelings, and opinions without condemning or judging others, and it's difficult. It's hard to be your own advocate.
Truly finding your own voice is hard because it is hard to let go of expectations from your parents, family, supervisors, professors, etc of your formative years. For good reasons, people are encouraged to color between the lines and fit in but they're not always encouraged to listen to their inner voices. This is a journey full of failures and successes that is never "done" because we are always growing and changing - and so are the people around us.
Questions to Ponder When You're Increasing Your Self-Awareness:
What makes your heart leap or your soul resonate?
When do you feel most happy and relaxed?
Living Authentically Involves Negative Feelings
When - and with whom - do you feel depressed, sad, or drained? Finding your identity involves avoiding those situations.
When do you feel physically ill or unhealthy? Authentic living means figuring that out, and avoiding those situations.
What meetings, visits, or events do you consistently find yourself dragging yourself to? Increasing your self-awareness is about limiting or eliminating those things.
No life can be fulfilling without exposure to toil and stress. While life's goal is happiness and reward, it would never feel earned or appreciated without the struggle to attain it. But if your daily efforts are never met with praise or recognition, you have to ask yourself if you are in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people! The University of Pennsylvania Authentic Happiness Study reported in a 2011 survey that the average American was happy 54% of the day, unhappy 20% of the day, and neutral 26% of that time. What percent of the day are you usually happy?
Knowing "yourself" is about living authentically. As a child you may have been encouraged to conform or face the consequences! Most people conform... and lose themselves in the process. Living authentically is being able to express honest thoughts, feelings, and opinions without condemning or judging others, and it's difficult. It's hard to be your own advocate.
Truly finding your own voice is hard because it is hard to let go of expectations from your parents, family, supervisors, professors, etc of your formative years. For good reasons, people are encouraged to color between the lines and fit in but they're not always encouraged to listen to their inner voices. This is a journey full of failures and successes that is never "done" because we are always growing and changing - and so are the people around us.
Questions to Ponder When You're Increasing Your Self-Awareness:
What makes your heart leap or your soul resonate?
When do you feel most happy and relaxed?
Living Authentically Involves Negative Feelings
When - and with whom - do you feel depressed, sad, or drained? Finding your identity involves avoiding those situations.
When do you feel physically ill or unhealthy? Authentic living means figuring that out, and avoiding those situations.
What meetings, visits, or events do you consistently find yourself dragging yourself to? Increasing your self-awareness is about limiting or eliminating those things.
No life can be fulfilling without exposure to toil and stress. While life's goal is happiness and reward, it would never feel earned or appreciated without the struggle to attain it. But if your daily efforts are never met with praise or recognition, you have to ask yourself if you are in the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people! The University of Pennsylvania Authentic Happiness Study reported in a 2011 survey that the average American was happy 54% of the day, unhappy 20% of the day, and neutral 26% of that time. What percent of the day are you usually happy?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Quarter-Life Crisis
The following paragraph was written by a journalist by the name of Brenda Della Casa, who writes articles for publications such as Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Redbook and writes a great blog called Walking Barefoot. Her greatest insights have been about the uncertainty of life and love during the "quarter-life crisis." (The years between 20 and 30 - definitely a period of change and effort for everyone).
..."You stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now... Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out..."
Life experiences often bring positive change and can offer new perspectives, hence Nietzsche's words of wisdom: "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." Navigating the minefields of life is always going to be hard, so getting through your "quarter-life crisis" is good training for the rest. I would say having confidence and self-esteem is the basic ingredient for forging through. When you're comfortable in your own skin and you don't feel out of place - even in times of struggle - you can be confident enough to write your own ending to a chapter.
..."You stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now... Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out..."
Life experiences often bring positive change and can offer new perspectives, hence Nietzsche's words of wisdom: "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." Navigating the minefields of life is always going to be hard, so getting through your "quarter-life crisis" is good training for the rest. I would say having confidence and self-esteem is the basic ingredient for forging through. When you're comfortable in your own skin and you don't feel out of place - even in times of struggle - you can be confident enough to write your own ending to a chapter.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Identity, Importance, Connection -
Last week two separate events were spinning around my life which were very troubling and severe to the people that they affected. Though they were two totally different scenarios, they both could be boiled down to the same fundamental human needs: identity, importance and connection. That is probably why they were so poigniant.
At a High School Boarding school, where 800 kids live together 8 months of the year, tension escalated over the expulsion of a PG student for being caught drinking with a friend in his room late on a Thursday night. The teenagers who were good friends with the "PG" believed that the same hallmate they had had many previous conflicts with before was the person who had alerted the teachers to the fact that the kids had been drinking in their room, so one night when they were sitting around bemoaning the loss of their friend and the strictness of the administration, one kid impulsively got up, went out, and smeared some splotches of red face paint on the "snitch's" door.
The next day the boy accused of snitching went to the Administration asking to withdraw from the school, the Administration began a hunt for the "door-painter", and powerful social tensions began at the school.
Because the door-painter would not come forward for a long time, the school began removing all student privilages, rightly knowing that, especially at this age, there is no greater force than social force to get kid's attention. As each one was removed (tv.usage, curfews, Spring Formal cancellation, etc.), students from other halls and other dorms began to turn on any friends who might be associated with the witless boy who painted the other kid's door.
The faculty could not believe that the kids who did know who the door-painter was would not rat out their friend and became enraged by what they perceived to be a lack of respect for authority. The greater part of the school now, turned almost as viciously upon that group of teenage boys, as the one boy had originally turned on the other on that first night..... A Catcher in the Rye Moment?....
After a week of this pressure the 10 friends convinced the offender to admit his own guilt whereupon he was kicked out of the school. The contentious hallmate (who does not admit to "snitching" in the first place) remains at the school. And the Administration is now dealing with questions about why a similar group of boys in the Fall did not receive scrutiny after girls had complained about a harassment issue then.
But questions have been raised to these youngsters about what is more important at their age: meeting life's goals, work, fun, impulsivity, loyalty, identity, connection, respect.... In what order, and to what degree! They are all necessary. And what is the power of connection. Even though they banded together not to denigrate their friend of character (who admitted acting badly), the power of an even larger community really affected their decisions.
Next story tomorrow.
At a High School Boarding school, where 800 kids live together 8 months of the year, tension escalated over the expulsion of a PG student for being caught drinking with a friend in his room late on a Thursday night. The teenagers who were good friends with the "PG" believed that the same hallmate they had had many previous conflicts with before was the person who had alerted the teachers to the fact that the kids had been drinking in their room, so one night when they were sitting around bemoaning the loss of their friend and the strictness of the administration, one kid impulsively got up, went out, and smeared some splotches of red face paint on the "snitch's" door.
The next day the boy accused of snitching went to the Administration asking to withdraw from the school, the Administration began a hunt for the "door-painter", and powerful social tensions began at the school.
Because the door-painter would not come forward for a long time, the school began removing all student privilages, rightly knowing that, especially at this age, there is no greater force than social force to get kid's attention. As each one was removed (tv.usage, curfews, Spring Formal cancellation, etc.), students from other halls and other dorms began to turn on any friends who might be associated with the witless boy who painted the other kid's door.
The faculty could not believe that the kids who did know who the door-painter was would not rat out their friend and became enraged by what they perceived to be a lack of respect for authority. The greater part of the school now, turned almost as viciously upon that group of teenage boys, as the one boy had originally turned on the other on that first night..... A Catcher in the Rye Moment?....
After a week of this pressure the 10 friends convinced the offender to admit his own guilt whereupon he was kicked out of the school. The contentious hallmate (who does not admit to "snitching" in the first place) remains at the school. And the Administration is now dealing with questions about why a similar group of boys in the Fall did not receive scrutiny after girls had complained about a harassment issue then.
But questions have been raised to these youngsters about what is more important at their age: meeting life's goals, work, fun, impulsivity, loyalty, identity, connection, respect.... In what order, and to what degree! They are all necessary. And what is the power of connection. Even though they banded together not to denigrate their friend of character (who admitted acting badly), the power of an even larger community really affected their decisions.
Next story tomorrow.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Gentle-Happy Spirits....
Last night President Obama gave a great speech called the Tucson Memorial Speech. In his speech he called for all U.S. citizens to honor the Congresswoman, two federal employees, three civilians, and a little girl recently shot by a random shooter by "trying to be a better people... better friends, and parents and neighbors.... (to try to embody) the same gentle and happy spirit which (the little girl) Christina Taylor-Green possessed."
This was the President's way of trying to move up and out of another trough of fear that gripped our nation last week as the result of another multiple execution of innocent people by one random mentally-ill person. As much as I really admired the President's attempt to unite the country with good-will, I think he should also seize this time to DO something about it.
Immediately ensuing the atrocity, of course, people always want to know how this can happen. The obvious questions are: "Was this person sane?" "How did he obtain a gun?" And, "Why didn't anyone help this person before he literally went ballistic?"
Since this shooter focused on a political rally, questions also centered around the current heated political rhetoric as being too provocative for unbalanced minds - but there are two obvious common threads sitting right at the surface in every excuse for a rampage. One shooter's excuse was: "I was angry at the political system." One's was: "I felt disenfranchised at school." Another's was: "My company wasn't helping me find a job".... The two inescapable constants in EVERY example were that deeply disturbed people, displaying 'abnormal behavior' and hostility got their hands on guns.
President Obama thinks that if we were better friends, parents and neighbors we would be able to support these people, but their own families have a very hard time steering children or siblings with psychosis toward help. Can being kinder or more attentive handle the severely complicated needs of a person that would kill? It is insulting to the good people who lived "kindly" around the horribly unstable individuals before they ultimately killed them to keep asking for more kindness! I agree that it is a curse for individuals and their families to have to struggle with the ravages of severe mental illness, but I also believe that it would help those families more to be given rapid identification of their illness so that they can get long-term treatment and proper follow-up. Sometimes this requires more "tough love" than gentleness.
I would argue that not only did our nation loose beautiful Christina Taylor-Green on January 8, but it lost an entire generation of "Gentle, Happy Spirits" since the Columbine Massacre, because of fear. Kids who were born in 1987 have heard about "disenfranchised" kids, and mentally unstable people, committing multiple murders at schools EVERY year from their first year in Junior High - all the way through until their last year of College. (Sometimes two or three times in one year!). Many kids go to school every day now fearing that the oddly-behaving, aggressive child next to him in school could come in the next day with a gun aimed at him, and the school is nervous too. One person with a gun can take out 30 innocent people in a few minutes (Virginia Tech). In our kid's lifetimes they have seen it happen too many times - and with apparently nothing anyone cares enough to do to fix it. (33 school shootings in the U.S. alone since 1999)* This removes our youth's sense of security and happiness from their childhood days. It is imperative that our legislators finally enact serious gun laws as a result of this last mass shooting. We need laws which would require, from state to state, consistent screening of the people who ask for the right to buy a gun. The Senate and the House should pass the amendment banning the sale of assault weapons, and we need stricter penalties placed on people who do not keep their guns out of the hands of others.
If we had better mental health guidelines and treatment options for people, and, stricter gun laws, we WOULD all feel gentler and happier. These are two concrete things we can do right now to heal this generation and make our country better and to truly honor those that lost their lives in Tucson last Saturday.
*infoplease.com
This was the President's way of trying to move up and out of another trough of fear that gripped our nation last week as the result of another multiple execution of innocent people by one random mentally-ill person. As much as I really admired the President's attempt to unite the country with good-will, I think he should also seize this time to DO something about it.
Immediately ensuing the atrocity, of course, people always want to know how this can happen. The obvious questions are: "Was this person sane?" "How did he obtain a gun?" And, "Why didn't anyone help this person before he literally went ballistic?"
Since this shooter focused on a political rally, questions also centered around the current heated political rhetoric as being too provocative for unbalanced minds - but there are two obvious common threads sitting right at the surface in every excuse for a rampage. One shooter's excuse was: "I was angry at the political system." One's was: "I felt disenfranchised at school." Another's was: "My company wasn't helping me find a job".... The two inescapable constants in EVERY example were that deeply disturbed people, displaying 'abnormal behavior' and hostility got their hands on guns.
President Obama thinks that if we were better friends, parents and neighbors we would be able to support these people, but their own families have a very hard time steering children or siblings with psychosis toward help. Can being kinder or more attentive handle the severely complicated needs of a person that would kill? It is insulting to the good people who lived "kindly" around the horribly unstable individuals before they ultimately killed them to keep asking for more kindness! I agree that it is a curse for individuals and their families to have to struggle with the ravages of severe mental illness, but I also believe that it would help those families more to be given rapid identification of their illness so that they can get long-term treatment and proper follow-up. Sometimes this requires more "tough love" than gentleness.
I would argue that not only did our nation loose beautiful Christina Taylor-Green on January 8, but it lost an entire generation of "Gentle, Happy Spirits" since the Columbine Massacre, because of fear. Kids who were born in 1987 have heard about "disenfranchised" kids, and mentally unstable people, committing multiple murders at schools EVERY year from their first year in Junior High - all the way through until their last year of College. (Sometimes two or three times in one year!). Many kids go to school every day now fearing that the oddly-behaving, aggressive child next to him in school could come in the next day with a gun aimed at him, and the school is nervous too. One person with a gun can take out 30 innocent people in a few minutes (Virginia Tech). In our kid's lifetimes they have seen it happen too many times - and with apparently nothing anyone cares enough to do to fix it. (33 school shootings in the U.S. alone since 1999)* This removes our youth's sense of security and happiness from their childhood days. It is imperative that our legislators finally enact serious gun laws as a result of this last mass shooting. We need laws which would require, from state to state, consistent screening of the people who ask for the right to buy a gun. The Senate and the House should pass the amendment banning the sale of assault weapons, and we need stricter penalties placed on people who do not keep their guns out of the hands of others.
If we had better mental health guidelines and treatment options for people, and, stricter gun laws, we WOULD all feel gentler and happier. These are two concrete things we can do right now to heal this generation and make our country better and to truly honor those that lost their lives in Tucson last Saturday.
*infoplease.com
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Efficiency
.... Efficiency can refer to the best use of time, the best use of space, the best use of energy, of economy, etc. Efficiency yields effectiveness.... You cannot be very productive if you are not efficient.
Someone once said "avoid fragmentation, find your focus and seek simplicity. Purposeful living calls for elegant efficiency and economy of effort!"* This suggests that choosing only a few tasks and repeating them more frequently is the way to be the most productive.
What if one's life is full of daily minutia that has to be "efficiently" organized!
I guess my word for tomorrow will be ORGANIZATION!......
My Current Focuses:
Hospital - 3 Jobs
Writing the book about NJ
Focus on Kids
Household maintenance
Time with Husband
Physical and Mental Health
Time with Friends
Current Events
Library Foundation
Photography
Piano
*Dan Millman
Someone once said "avoid fragmentation, find your focus and seek simplicity. Purposeful living calls for elegant efficiency and economy of effort!"* This suggests that choosing only a few tasks and repeating them more frequently is the way to be the most productive.
What if one's life is full of daily minutia that has to be "efficiently" organized!
I guess my word for tomorrow will be ORGANIZATION!......
My Current Focuses:
Hospital - 3 Jobs
Writing the book about NJ
Focus on Kids
Household maintenance
Time with Husband
Physical and Mental Health
Time with Friends
Current Events
Library Foundation
Photography
Piano
*Dan Millman
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tenacity!
As much as I was raised in a positive environment and did develop a high EQ, one quality I don't possess enough of is TENACITY! Synonyms of tenacity are: diligence, application, perseverance, persistence, resoluteness, resolve, steadfastness, grit, heart, fortitude, moxie, spunk!...
It seems like if you could take a person with reasonable talents, strong EQ, and add TENACITY, that person would be super equipped to deal with anything life has to throw at them!
Tenacity seems to be as elusive a thing to hold on to as the last 5 lbs. of fat on a Spring diet. Constant industriousness requires so much energy and discipline! The word "motivation" is defined as the forces that account for the arousal, selection, direction, and continuation of behavior. I guess if we were properly motivated we would be tenacious enough to do anything!... If a train was coming down the tracks and we had to move a car stuck on the tracks, we wouldn't hesitate to do it if it meant staying alive... If a person was seriously dissatisfied with their life situation they might be propelled in a similar way to fix or change their condition.
The trick is to be able to tap into some level of that tenacity and motivation even on a regular day when no one but yourself is requiring anything of you!
It seems like if you could take a person with reasonable talents, strong EQ, and add TENACITY, that person would be super equipped to deal with anything life has to throw at them!
Tenacity seems to be as elusive a thing to hold on to as the last 5 lbs. of fat on a Spring diet. Constant industriousness requires so much energy and discipline! The word "motivation" is defined as the forces that account for the arousal, selection, direction, and continuation of behavior. I guess if we were properly motivated we would be tenacious enough to do anything!... If a train was coming down the tracks and we had to move a car stuck on the tracks, we wouldn't hesitate to do it if it meant staying alive... If a person was seriously dissatisfied with their life situation they might be propelled in a similar way to fix or change their condition.
The trick is to be able to tap into some level of that tenacity and motivation even on a regular day when no one but yourself is requiring anything of you!
Monday, January 10, 2011
E.Q.
It seems to me that the ultimate motivators in life are positive things like enthusiasm, energy, vision, etc. That is not to say that goals can always be achieved without negative stingers like deadlines, and complaints. But what I have been thinking today is that people seem so much more ahead of the game if they possess a generally positive demeanor - or - a high EQ.
Studies have proven over and over again how bad it is to be negative. In an article by Robin Stern, Ph.D.from Columbia University, the author says, "What skill is the best predictor of life success? Why is it that some children grow up to be fulfilled adults in challenging careers and satisfying relationships, while others from apparently similar backgrounds and academic performance, struggle in relationships, dead-end careers and depressions?... Studies show that EQ (Emotional Intelligence) is the best predictor of a child's future achievement; better than any other single factor. In fact, EQ is a better predictor of success than IQ and technical skills combined."
What is EQ? The author defined EQ as basically 5 different things:
1) Mood management: The ability to handle and manage difficult feelings; control impulses and handle anger constructively! Staying even-keeled.
2) Self Awareness: The ability to understand and identify feelings. Also, being able to understand how your own actions affect others.
3) Empathy: Showing people that you care about them.
4) Self-Motivation: Setting goals and persevering toward them with optimism and hope, even in the face of set-backs.
5) Strong Relationships: Keeping friends, collaborating, cooperating.
These seem like easy things to some people, but come easier to some than to others. To some extent they can be innate qualities but can also be instilled from years of satisfactory and productive experiences in the world of school, families, work and marriage. The good news is that social and emotional skills can be learned and enhanced at any age.*
Who knew that having a generally positive demeanor was more than half the battle in life?
Howard Gardner, a developmental psychologist from Harvard, developed the Theory of Multiple Intelligences in 1983. He listed 7 different types of intelligences that he said the brain was capable of. They are: Linguistic, Logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinestetic, musical, interpersonal, and intrapersonal. He also stated that the greatest predictor for success was not possessing mathematical or logical intelligence, but, was possessing high interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence.
Neuroticism is the opposite of Emotional Intelligence. Neuroticism is described as a tendency to act on feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, guilt or depression. Not optimistic sentiments.
In an article in the December, 2010 issue of the Economist called The U-Bend of life, the author asked, "what makes people successful?" His conclusion was "....Two personality traits shine through..neuroticism and extroversion. Neurotic people are not just prone to negative feelings, they also have low emotional intelligence... Whereas neuroticism tends to make for gloomy types, extroversion does the opposite. Those who like working in teams and who relish parties tend to be happier than those who shut their office doors or hole up in their homes."
According to Gardner, every person is born with some intelligence of value to society. All we need to do is tap in to our most positive interpersonal and intrapersonal skills to be the most successful we can be.
*Robin Stern - Columbia University
Studies have proven over and over again how bad it is to be negative. In an article by Robin Stern, Ph.D.from Columbia University, the author says, "What skill is the best predictor of life success? Why is it that some children grow up to be fulfilled adults in challenging careers and satisfying relationships, while others from apparently similar backgrounds and academic performance, struggle in relationships, dead-end careers and depressions?... Studies show that EQ (Emotional Intelligence) is the best predictor of a child's future achievement; better than any other single factor. In fact, EQ is a better predictor of success than IQ and technical skills combined."
What is EQ? The author defined EQ as basically 5 different things:
1) Mood management: The ability to handle and manage difficult feelings; control impulses and handle anger constructively! Staying even-keeled.
2) Self Awareness: The ability to understand and identify feelings. Also, being able to understand how your own actions affect others.
3) Empathy: Showing people that you care about them.
4) Self-Motivation: Setting goals and persevering toward them with optimism and hope, even in the face of set-backs.
5) Strong Relationships: Keeping friends, collaborating, cooperating.
These seem like easy things to some people, but come easier to some than to others. To some extent they can be innate qualities but can also be instilled from years of satisfactory and productive experiences in the world of school, families, work and marriage. The good news is that social and emotional skills can be learned and enhanced at any age.*
Who knew that having a generally positive demeanor was more than half the battle in life?
Howard Gardner, a developmental psychologist from Harvard, developed the Theory of Multiple Intelligences in 1983. He listed 7 different types of intelligences that he said the brain was capable of. They are: Linguistic, Logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinestetic, musical, interpersonal, and intrapersonal. He also stated that the greatest predictor for success was not possessing mathematical or logical intelligence, but, was possessing high interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence.
Neuroticism is the opposite of Emotional Intelligence. Neuroticism is described as a tendency to act on feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, guilt or depression. Not optimistic sentiments.
In an article in the December, 2010 issue of the Economist called The U-Bend of life, the author asked, "what makes people successful?" His conclusion was "....Two personality traits shine through..neuroticism and extroversion. Neurotic people are not just prone to negative feelings, they also have low emotional intelligence... Whereas neuroticism tends to make for gloomy types, extroversion does the opposite. Those who like working in teams and who relish parties tend to be happier than those who shut their office doors or hole up in their homes."
According to Gardner, every person is born with some intelligence of value to society. All we need to do is tap in to our most positive interpersonal and intrapersonal skills to be the most successful we can be.
*Robin Stern - Columbia University
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Opportunity!
Orison Swett Marden was a writer in the early 1900's who was also strongly influenced by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and believed that our thoughts strongly influence our lives and our circumstances. He wrote books called Success Under Difficulties, Architects of Fate, Do it to a Finish, and The Hour of Opportunity. Just the titles sound exciting!
Marden met with many hardships throughout his life and he wrote these books as he neared the age of 50.
When Mr. Marden was three his mother died. When he was seven his father died and that left him shuttled amongst the care of various uncaring guardians. He worked as a hired boy to earn his keep and never lived in one place for very long. Still he managed to persevere and gained admission to and payed his own way through Boston University. After that he attended Harvard and graduated with an M.D. in 1881. Marden supported himself during his college years by working in hotels, and eventually came to own many hotels and a resort. He was successful in the hotel industry for ten years until, at the age of 43, his fortune reversed and he had to resort to new ways to support himself. He then began writing and became world-famous for his many published books.
Marden is known for his numerous inspirational quotes like: "A will finds a way," and "All men who have achieved great things have been great dreamers," and "Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities, seize common occasions and make them great!"
How is it that some individuals who have been set upon the path of life with so little inspiration carry on with steadfast strength and conviction? While there are others (nurtured and protected their whole lives) who can hardly come up with the imagination to seize opportunities that lay all around them! What is the difference between these people?
May we always know the common occasions for what they really
are.....and have the courage and conviction to follow through on the opportunities!
Marden met with many hardships throughout his life and he wrote these books as he neared the age of 50.
When Mr. Marden was three his mother died. When he was seven his father died and that left him shuttled amongst the care of various uncaring guardians. He worked as a hired boy to earn his keep and never lived in one place for very long. Still he managed to persevere and gained admission to and payed his own way through Boston University. After that he attended Harvard and graduated with an M.D. in 1881. Marden supported himself during his college years by working in hotels, and eventually came to own many hotels and a resort. He was successful in the hotel industry for ten years until, at the age of 43, his fortune reversed and he had to resort to new ways to support himself. He then began writing and became world-famous for his many published books.
Marden is known for his numerous inspirational quotes like: "A will finds a way," and "All men who have achieved great things have been great dreamers," and "Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities, seize common occasions and make them great!"
How is it that some individuals who have been set upon the path of life with so little inspiration carry on with steadfast strength and conviction? While there are others (nurtured and protected their whole lives) who can hardly come up with the imagination to seize opportunities that lay all around them! What is the difference between these people?
May we always know the common occasions for what they really
are.....and have the courage and conviction to follow through on the opportunities!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What is the Definition of "Success."
The dictionary says the definition of success is "the achievement of something planned, or, the gaining of fame or prosperity." I would have to agree that either one of those things would make me feel fulfilled and "successful!"
In my lifetime I have achieved most of the goals that I have set for myself, but, that could be because I usually try to set my bar at an attainable level! I know that I fit happily at a respectable level of accomplishment, intelligence and life experience. This is partly from effort and partly from luck! Once again though, as I reach this mid-life period, I have to ask myself, "what is there still left for me to do that makes me feel successful?" "What should I do with my time now?"
Should I raise the bar and try to learn something new and challenging? Or, should I continue doing what I have done in my past--"go with the flow--"and just see what comes next!
Being adaptive and waiting to see has always worked great for me. As Albert Schweitzer said: Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (whom I have always admired) said, "the definition of success is to laugh much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."
If these are the criteria for success I have been very successful in my life so far! It's basically what being a Mom was all about for me. And I am without a doubt a very happy person today!
In my lifetime I have achieved most of the goals that I have set for myself, but, that could be because I usually try to set my bar at an attainable level! I know that I fit happily at a respectable level of accomplishment, intelligence and life experience. This is partly from effort and partly from luck! Once again though, as I reach this mid-life period, I have to ask myself, "what is there still left for me to do that makes me feel successful?" "What should I do with my time now?"
Should I raise the bar and try to learn something new and challenging? Or, should I continue doing what I have done in my past--"go with the flow--"and just see what comes next!
Being adaptive and waiting to see has always worked great for me. As Albert Schweitzer said: Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (whom I have always admired) said, "the definition of success is to laugh much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."
If these are the criteria for success I have been very successful in my life so far! It's basically what being a Mom was all about for me. And I am without a doubt a very happy person today!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Purpose for Living
Too profound for everyone? But when you are 50, and changing "jobs" you need to consider your life. What am I good at? What have I accomplished and all that stuff. After 50 years of living - am I fairly good at anything? If the answer is "no." That gives one pause for thought.
For a solid 23 years I had decided that the purpose of MY life was to guide three kids into and through life with total commitment and dedication. This "job" fell in my lap because it did seem like the kindest way to raise children, and because I was especially suited for this job. Everywhere I have ever gone people tell me that I should work with children. To the point that I actually wonder if that is insulting to me. (Am I so child-like that people do not see me as a serious or mature adult?) But, it was certainly true that I woke up every morning of my life loving being with my kids! My husband supported the family financially and I took care of the three kids and doing whatever needed to be done around the house for anyone every day.
I graduated from college in 1982 and worked for four years at a fast-paced exciting job trading preferred stocks for a big company in NYC. I was enjoying the thrill and learning the corporate climate.
Then we moved to the 'burbs' to buy a house and raise our family. No doubt my new "job" was just as difficult as my husband's at that point! Though he left the house in the dark and came home in the dark every day to commute to Manhattan and work in the dog-eat-dog corporate world, I was up all night- every night - with two collicky babies and then spent the entire day juggling crying babies. My husband always came in the door and asked "why the baby was crying" and when he woke up in the morning he would ask "why I couldn't stop the baby from crying." That was my life for about three years, and then we had another child!
So, just like an executive starting a great new job, that was my "executive training experience." That was the work I put in to getting to the top of my career. Once that was over, my job got cushier!
The next 10 or so years were pick-ups and drop-offs with 2 hour intervals in-between. By then the kids were about 11, 10, and 7. And that is how I passed 13 years learning nothing - except life experiences!.....
What a blessing to be given 13 years (actually, 24 altogether now) doing what seems like the most wonderful thing in the whole world to do! But what a strange feeling to look back on all those years and realize that your "talent" is taking care of people. And I didn't manage to cultivate any other tangible talents during all that time!
My children are 24, 23 and 19 now! And I CAN say that they make me proud. They are three successful, accomplished individuals. Even more importantly, they even seem well-balanced and happy which seems like quite a feat for people. So, maybe my life wasn't a waste. And, my book isn't written yet! There is still time for me to do more -- something that I can be tangibly judged upon. Why does that seem so important to me? I suppose I am just getting the feel of just being responsible for myself!
For a solid 23 years I had decided that the purpose of MY life was to guide three kids into and through life with total commitment and dedication. This "job" fell in my lap because it did seem like the kindest way to raise children, and because I was especially suited for this job. Everywhere I have ever gone people tell me that I should work with children. To the point that I actually wonder if that is insulting to me. (Am I so child-like that people do not see me as a serious or mature adult?) But, it was certainly true that I woke up every morning of my life loving being with my kids! My husband supported the family financially and I took care of the three kids and doing whatever needed to be done around the house for anyone every day.
I graduated from college in 1982 and worked for four years at a fast-paced exciting job trading preferred stocks for a big company in NYC. I was enjoying the thrill and learning the corporate climate.
Then we moved to the 'burbs' to buy a house and raise our family. No doubt my new "job" was just as difficult as my husband's at that point! Though he left the house in the dark and came home in the dark every day to commute to Manhattan and work in the dog-eat-dog corporate world, I was up all night- every night - with two collicky babies and then spent the entire day juggling crying babies. My husband always came in the door and asked "why the baby was crying" and when he woke up in the morning he would ask "why I couldn't stop the baby from crying." That was my life for about three years, and then we had another child!
So, just like an executive starting a great new job, that was my "executive training experience." That was the work I put in to getting to the top of my career. Once that was over, my job got cushier!
The next 10 or so years were pick-ups and drop-offs with 2 hour intervals in-between. By then the kids were about 11, 10, and 7. And that is how I passed 13 years learning nothing - except life experiences!.....
What a blessing to be given 13 years (actually, 24 altogether now) doing what seems like the most wonderful thing in the whole world to do! But what a strange feeling to look back on all those years and realize that your "talent" is taking care of people. And I didn't manage to cultivate any other tangible talents during all that time!
My children are 24, 23 and 19 now! And I CAN say that they make me proud. They are three successful, accomplished individuals. Even more importantly, they even seem well-balanced and happy which seems like quite a feat for people. So, maybe my life wasn't a waste. And, my book isn't written yet! There is still time for me to do more -- something that I can be tangibly judged upon. Why does that seem so important to me? I suppose I am just getting the feel of just being responsible for myself!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Day One!
Lovely, languid Sunday! January 2 - though I have unpacked from a two-day venture into and out of NYC, done groceries, laundry, dishes, changed bedsheets, cooked dinner and walked the dog, I still feel like I have achieved absolutely NOTHING today because I have also managed to sit at the kitchen table for at least three hours THINKING about all the things I would LIKE to do in the up-coming months! Isn't that what January is supposed to be about anyway? In the middle of all this sitting I have managed to start a major initiative. I have started this blog! I think writing would be a very interesting way to keep track of my steps and perhaps find my "way." What should my main priorities be this year? What are my most obvious joys and focuses? Maybe I can enjoy this foray into expression. Maybe blogging will give voice to my cluttered inner thoughts!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
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